Absent-Minded Jay

Can somebody please tell me what the hell "that laffy taffy" is so maybe I can shake it so as to stop one of the stupidest songs EVER recorded AND played on the radio?!

I fear for our society when people actually like and request this song.

It's absolutely and positively ridiculous!

The office building where I work got flooded over the weekend of the torrential downpours that hit Dallas the night of Friday, March 17th to the night of Sunday, March 19th. The whole first floor was under about 3-5 inches of water. Good times.

See in the picture how the water is filled in the closed off area and then pouring out of the seam between the doors. If I was here, I would have duct taped the seam and seen how long it would take to fill that room. More good times.

I’m sitting here in my new, temporary office, looking out the window when I see this Hulkified mosquito flying up and down the glass in the window.  This isn’t the mosquito-eater either.  I’m thinking the drought and lack of a real winter has caused mosquitos to live longer then expected so they are now able to carry off small children instead of just sucking the blood.

Anyway, I’ve been watching this mosquito off and on for about two hours…up, down, side to side with it occasionally stopping for a few seconds or more.

It made me start to wonder.  Is this mosquito getting tired? Winded?  Is it panting from flying continuously?  Does it catch it’s breath when it lands?  Is it thirsty for something other than blood when and if it is tired?

After studying it for these two hours, I decided to end all my questioning by just squashing it on the window.

All that did was amuse me but the questions still linger?  Now the mosquito is as much of a nuisance dead as it was alive.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

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Six Classic Affairs

The 1st Affair: A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8pm. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. “Where have you been?” his wife demanded. “I can’t lie to you,” he replied, I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.” You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!”

The 2nd Affair: A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife, “There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?” The wife smiled sweetly and replied, “Not this time!”

The 3rd Affair:A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! “I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,” the mortician commented, “I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.” So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. “I have to show you something you won’t believe,” he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. “My God!” the wife exclaimed, “Schwartz is dead?!?!”

The 4th Affair: A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.” She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you,” she said. “Pretend you’re a statue.” “What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room. “Oh it’s a statue.” she replied. “The Smith’s bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.” No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. “Here,” he said to the statue, “have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith’s and nobody offered me a damned thing.”

The 5th Affair: A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. “Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.” “One Cent?” the man thought. He glanced at the menu and asked, “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?” “A nickel,” the barman replied. “A nickel?” exclaimed the man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?” The bartender replied, “Upstairs, with my wife.” The man asked, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” The bartender replied, “The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”

The 6th Affair: Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, “I have something I must confess.” “There’s no need to,” his wife replied. “No,” he insisted, “I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!” “I know, I know,” she replied. “Now just rest and let the poison work.”

A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to  $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, “I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.”
 
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, “Good Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least  iron it!”
 
He never heard the shot.  Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

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Totally random…paper sux

I UNDERSTAND THAT SCISSORS CAN BEAT PAPER AND I GET HOW ROCK CAN BEAT SCISSORS. BUT THERE’S NO EFFING WAY PAPER CAN BEAT ROCK. PAPER IS SUPPOSED TO MAGICALLY WRAP AROUND ROCK LEAVING IT IMMOBILE? WHY THE HELL CAN’T PAPER DO THIS TO SCISSORS? SCREW SCISSORS, WHY CAN’T PAPER DO THIS TO PEOPLE? WHY AREN’T SHEETS OF COLLEGE-RULED NOTEBOOK PAPER CONSTANTLY SUFFOCATING STUDENTS AS THEY ATTEMPT TO TAKE NOTES IN CLASS? I’LL TELL YOU WHY, BECAUSE PAPER CAN’T BEAT ANYBODY, A ROCK WOULD TEAR THAT SH*T UP IN TWO SECONDS. WHEN I PLAY ROCK/PAPER/SCISSORS I ALWAYS CHOOSE ROCK. THEN WHEN SOMEBODY CLAIMS TO HAVE BEATEN ME WITH THEIR PAPER I PUNCH THEM IN THE THROAT WITH MY ALREADY CLENCHED FIST AND SAY “OH SHIT, I’M SORRY. I THOUGHT PAPER WOULD PROTECT YOU, STUPID-F*CK.”

This Is AMAZING!!!

Until now I never fully understood how to tell the difference Between Male and Female Birds.

I always thought it had to be determined surgically.

Until Now.

Which of The Two Birds Is a Female???

Below are Two Birds. Study them closely…

See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is The Female.

It can be done.

Even by one with limited bird watching skills. SCROLL DOWN
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I’m image bootlegging again but I was thinking of the person whose web page I found this on. I didn’t want to use their bandwith by linking to their pic pages directly. I’m so considerate…

People remove the blogger header from their blogs. Occasionally I like to blog surf, and the “next blog” button is quite handy. I hate it when I come across some fancy-ass, non-functional, non-intuitive, visually-cluttered blog that does not have one of the best buttons in the blogging world…”NEXT BLOG”! So, then I have to click my browser’s back button and click the “next blog” button on the previous blog to get to the next blog.

I also hate blogs with background music. If I wanted to listen to music while reading your gosh darn blog, I’d turn on WinAmp on my computer and listen to music I prefer, not the crap you picked!

I must be bitter from having hockey withdrawals. The NHL was on hiatus during the Olympics and then the Dallas Stars had a game Thursday night (that they got their balls handed to them in a Kroger plastic grocery bag) but I missed it due to having homework. So, I’ve been without watching hockey for close to three weeks. Pity me!

Luckily they play tonight…and hopefully they’ll pull their heads out of their asses and win.