Today’s email joke 2
WHAT happens when you:
1) have nothing to do
2) own a sharp knife
3) have a large lime
4) own a patient cat
5) drink too much tequila
6) and it’s football season?
Today’s joke email 1
“THE HEADACHE”
The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.” Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need… a new suit.”
He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see.. size 44 long.”
Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”
The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”
Joe was surprised, That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years”.
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked “How about some new underwear?”
Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”
The salesman said, “Let’s see…size 36.”
Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
New suit – $400
New shirt – $36
New underwear – $6
Second Opinion – PRICELESS!
Leading a double life
I hate people that are one way in reality but try to portray an image much better than what is true in mediums such as a blog.
Now, I’m not talking about people such as myself. I type on my blog about what suits me at the moment or two days ago depending on when I get to type about it. I have opinions, a lot of them, and whether you think they are intelligent or not I really don’t give a flying shit! I must say though that most of my thoughts, opinions and commentary usually sound so much better inside my head at the time I thought of them but because I am usually not around a computer or am unable to blog I end up typing it hours or days later and it comes at as “mah nah mah nah” – like the Dr Pepper commercial, get it?
Anyway, I see things or hear things that if I could comment on them right at the moment they are seen or heard, I’d sound like Keats, Shakespeare or Grisham (ya know, John…forget it). But I have to squeeze the mooshy substance (my brain) between thumb and forefinger to get the little tidbit I remember out.
Oh shit…I’m losing track.
I know somebody very close, a relative in fact, that is so screwed up in real life that you’d say, “Nope, that’s not a family member” if somebody asked you. They’ve made mistakes growing up and they haven’t learned from them but now they have a kid and that kid suffers, to an extent, because of their stupidity. They decide to create a blog and they start writing all this rhyming (I can’t in good conscious call it poetry) about their life and hardships and how they have turned it around. Oh wait, I know this person and I know she hasn’t “turned it around.” I know she’s still a fuck up and her poor child is going to follow in her footsteps because he hasn’t been raised with the proper parental guidance. But to the blogging world, she tries to portray this image of self-confidence, a loving parent and having her shit together.
I guess it realy doesn’t bother me but it definitely amuses me of what some people view themselves as. I see myself as a close likeness to Johnny Depp or was it his stunt double, I forget which.
But now after all this ranting, I think the sickness is mine. I find myself going back to her blog and checking out the bullshit she types to further amuse myself. She’s got a word of the day thing she does and I’m sure she doesn’t even know the meaning of them. I bet they are some kind of pop-up program she has on her computer or when she visits a particular web site.
I haven’t seen her type “word of the day: dumbass” or “word of the day: fantasy world” yet but I think eventually the program will cycle through those words.
I’m done!
Emancipation of Mimi?
There was a time when Mariah Carey was really hot.
Okay…she’s still kind of hot but now it’s more of a slutty hot. Anyway, found this picture on the web and thought I’d share some of her sexiness.
K-Fed? Is that his moniker?
Here is a link to something funny. I can’t believe he thinks he is any good. I hate to link to it because it makes me feel like I am supporting him. I guess a doubled-edge sword.
Is there anyone to help the misguided? Where is Clark Kent when you need him?
Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas
Is definitely one of those chicks that looks a little better the more clothing she is wearing. I used to think she was pretty hot but I’m not so sure her faced isn’t a little jacked up. It’s almost like she has some overflowing of Botox injections between the eye brows.
  
  
PETA and Playboy bunnies
I don’t care what they are fighting for but I would temporarily join their cause to picket with them in the “picket wear”.
  
And the hearse is kind of amusing too…
